Turkey Day Twinges

This cycle isn't so dark after all. My chart is completely blank. I have nothing to go off of besides the positive OPK's and fertile cervical fluid I experienced. Yet, I have the first signs of possible pregnancy. Yesterday, yes on Thanksgiving day, I started to feel a bit crampy in my utero area. It’s possible that it’s implantation since I was 7 dpo (8 today). However, I cramp every cycle around 7-8 dpo so part of me is telling myself to not get too excited because this is the norm. I should be used to this by now, but it excites me so to think that I might have a baby growing inside me. I hope it’s true.

What do you think? Do you start cramping before you get AF? Or is my body just strange?

Praying for two pink lines.

What happens when you unplug yourself?

When I set out into this cycle, I was excited and nervous. I planned on just relaxing, letting it happen, and not worrying about getting pregnant. I accomplished some of that, but really tried to make this month wild and free. I did the bare basics without tracking my body as meticulously as I had for the past eleven months.

And I got both those things: wild and free.

Let me explain the wild part. DH, Mr. C, has gotten slightly bored with the baby dance routine. Do you blame him after eleven months? You would think the guy would be in booty-call heaven! Sometimes, I jokingly call him my sperm donor but frequently that is the truth. He would not be in the mood and neither would I, but we baby danced to get the job done. Look where that has got us.

This month I never once mentioned the need to donate. Instead I dropped hints and made myself into a desirable, sexy woman so Mr. C never knew what hit him. Sweet talking and lace are magical things. Plus I left out the fact that the OPK was a go and my fluids were abundant. Yeah, that might have worked too.

What’s ironic is that he was more easily persuaded during my fertile time. Normally when I announce that I’m ovulating he closes his legs and I almost have to pry them open. So perhaps pheromones are the magical things. Go biology and mother nature.

Second is the free part. I opted to not chart this cycle. Trust me, it was hard at first. Temping was so ingrained into my morning routine that it felt unnatural to just lay in bed after waking. Seriously. It felt odd to not get on Fertility Friend first thing and enter my numbers. My chart looked sadly empty without those jagged lines. Yet, I know my ovaries were still working. I know because I got fertile cervical goop on cycle day 13 and a positive OPK (ovulation predictor test strip) on cycle day 15.

Silly as it may sound, part of me was afraid my ovaries would stop producing eggs when I stopped charting. I was also afraid I would miss the very short fertile period, because I missed all the signs of ovulation ever since I first got my period at 12 years old.

I know there’s no going back now. Even though this cycle was “unplugged” I will never be able to mentally unplug myself from my reproductive self. Womanhood is not getting your period. It is truly understanding the inner workings that take place to make life, to create a miracle that will someday turn into a living breathing, walking human being. And it all starts with ovulation.

Occording to OPK’s, I’m seven days past ovulation waiting for two pink lines. Seven more days to go.

A Plan To Not Plan

What's the first thing anyone that hasn't really tried to get pregnant tell you when you tell them you're trying?  The classic line: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant".  I wish it was that easy.  If it was I would be pregnant already.  I will admit that relaxing is hard when you want something so bad.

As a long shot, our last chance to chill cycle, this month was supposed to be a "just relax and get pregnant" month.  Meaning no charting BBT, no cervical fluid, no cervical position, no supplements, no nothing.  Just Prenatal vitamins and OPK's paired with carefree intercourse.  Sounds simple right?  Not.  It's been impossible to completely relax after using FAM for the past year.  Cervical fluid is nearly impossible to ignore and it's your primary fertility sign.

Charting for the past year told me a lot about my body and gave me a chance to see my cycle bouncing back from hormonal pills.  However, charting also caused me a lot of stress.  I would analyze my temperatures looking for clues of implantation and triphasic patterns.  My goal this cycle was to get away from nit picking temperatures and obsessing over symptoms because that is where the craziness comes from.  So far I've nixed the temperature part because I'm not doing BBT, but symptoms are difficult to pass off.

By this point, I'm nearly positive I know when I ovulate.

So you can guess that, yes, I've gotten the fertile cervical goop, a positive pee-stick, and in a day or two I'll be in the two week wait.  I'm already counting down the days to testing.

So was my plan a bust or what?

Praying for those two pink lines.

Running Out of Time

Not to be a raincloud or anything but...

This morning I made my most dreaded gyn appointment yet.  It's not the worst because of the annoying exam.  It will be the worst because of the conversation I'm going to have with my doctor.  The one that says we've been trying to conceive for a year with no success.

Is there a lighter, happier way to say the same thing?  How about we're having trouble getting pregnant? Any better?  Not by much.

There's something about this point.  And that something is the realization that we will be classified as infertile if I get Aunt Flo the first week of December.

Infertility.  Isn't that supposed to be reserved for people going through menopause?  People that have their reproductive organs altered?  Folks with severe diseases?  Nope.  It can affect the young and healthy.  I never thought we would get to this point, though the fear was always there and multiplied every month we were let down.

With God's help, I'm trying to stay faithful.  The optimistic part of me is saying We still have time.  There are plenty of couples that conceive during month 12.  The other, less optimistic part is saying This is it.  We're about to enter the world of testing and treatment, drugs and injections, poking and prodding.


We are down to the wire and I honestly don't know how we got here.  We had timed intercourse instead of just having random sex for a whole year.  I'm looking forward to getting some answers.  But I'm more hopeful that Aunt Flo doesn't arrive and we can confirm a pregnancy during that visit.

Praying for two pink lines.

This is it, cycle number 12.

I entered this current cycle, my twelfth, with a bang. I woke up in the middle of the night with sudden AF cramps, then had like zero flow the next day. Yes, major WTF-ing over here. Since some colleagues and I were leaving for Orlando for the NAEYC Conference that same night at midnight, I was stressing. Aaand what do you know? I got the "gift" minutes before we left for the 6 hour road trip. The b*tch. And since I was traveling, this was the first month that I was not able to soothe my aching uterus with a scorching heating pad. Motrin can only do so much. Yes, I am whining a bit. So sue me.

The conference was still wonderful, amazing, inspiring, yadda yadda yadda. I attended mind opening sessions and saw performances by artists that I listen to on CD's with my students. My favorite part was attending a session by some notable children's authors. After listening to them speak, I HAD to buy their books and have them sign them since they were doing signings.  I'm such a nerd.  But that's okay when you're a teacher... Right?

While waiting in the book signing line, which moved slowly because we were given numbers when we purchased our books that allowed us to cut ahead of the numbers below us.  Good if you're a low number, bad if you're higher.  One of the young ladies that had caravanned over with us, I'll call her Ms. M, stood in line with a mutual friend of ours and I since she wanted her books signed too. Somehow we got to talking about babies, and I discovered she has been TTC for nearly as long as I have. I was floored because I have known Ms. M for a while, but haven't really gotten to know her well.  Imagine the bonding that took place over TTC stories.

Since we started TTC a year ago I have been basically alone in this journey. I haven't told much family because I don't want drama or endless questions and I definitely don't want pity. I have told a few close friends and they have been a wonderful support, but they aren't going through this. Ms. M, is going through exactly what I am. And I was completely refreshed to talk "shop" with another person my age also trying to conceive her first child. I hope we can become friends (and be pregnant together!) as we also are military wives and teachers.

Something Ms. M told me took me by surprise though. She is seeing an off base doctor and they told her it could take up to eighteen months to conceive after birth control. I was told I would likely conceive within a year. So now I'm confused. Either way I'm seeing my gyn soon if we don't get preggo this cycle, so I can get referred and begin my fertility workup.

This cycle I'm not charting my BBT, fluid, or cervix position, or taking any herbs in an attempt to "relax" like everybody says and get pregnant. It's extremely difficult to NOT do the fertility awareness stuff, but I think I will still take Mucinex, prenatal vitamins, and use OPK's but that is it. If we're going to undergo testing and treatments this may be the last stress free cycle we have for a while.

I'm praying for two pink lines soon.

Angels Appear in the Darkest Hours

If you're human, you've experienced so much fear about an impending situation, and you knew it was irrational.  Yet you couldn't stop your self from thinking about all that could go wrong and how awful it would be.  Basically imagining the worst possible situation.

That's how I was before I got my last two wisdom teeth out today.  Yep, you heard me.  I've been through the procedure before.  I had my bottom two out when I was fifteen.  Now, ten years later, the top two had to come out because they were growing sideways and crowding my upper molars.  Not pleasant.

The sane part of me knew I had done this before and I obviously survived, but the other less-sane part of me was terrified of going under the anesthesia.  I was afraid of not waking up.  I was afraid of waking mid-operation.  I was afraid of what I would do while under, because I would have zero control.  All these things could happen, but happen very rarely, so I was at very low risk.  Considering I've been under before without complication, I honestly had little to worry about.

When it was time to take me back for the extraction, a young woman in teal scrubs called me back.  I laid down in the lab chair which was halfway between sitting and laying.  It felt odd because I wanted either to be sitting upright or laying down.  She looked at my file and asked me about any allergies and confirmed who was here to drive me.  Then she began sticking the circle patches to my chest to monitor my vitals.  A steady beep let me know my heart was beating.  She strapped a small mask over my nose, said she was going to start the nitrous oxide before the IV to relax me a bit, and instructed me to breathe through my nose.

I heard a hiss and felt cool, sweet scented air stream out the tubes.  She looked at my file once more and asked how long I had been trying to have a baby.  "Almost a year" I replied.  She explained that she had tried for three years to get pregnant with her husband.  She went through fertility treatments, even IVF, with no successful pregnancy.  They eventually divorced, though she never said why.  Then recently, her doctor had her switch birth control and during the period where she wasn't on any, she got pregnant  from her boyfriend.  She hadn't thought it was possible because she tried for so long.  She now has a ten month old little girl and is the light of her life.

She then told me she knows what it's like to get disappointed and depressed because she was there.  She also said she prayed and had faith, but God hadn't wanted her to have a child when she wanted one.  And when she finally did get pregnant, it happened in his time.

After she said those words, I felt a welling up of joy inside me and had to hold back tears.

She went to my right side to the IV drip ready and left the room.  I thought about what she had said as the nitrous made me feel light.  When she returned she asked how I was feeling.  I asked her if it was normal to feel light.  She said yes and that she could turn it down if I wanted.  It didn't really matter to me at that point so I didn't answer.  She then said she was going to put the IV in me.  I pulled my arm out and squeezed my clammy fist while she stuck it in my hand.  A dizziness washed over me and she laid the chair back all the way.  

She asked if I was feeling loopy yet and I nodded yes.  My eyelids felt heavy and my body nearly weightless, I looked up at her and asked "Who are you?".  She smiled and said "Ang" and notified me the doctor would be in shortly to start my IV.  The doctor touched my shoulder and asked how I was doing.  I told him "fine" then I dreamed of laying under a golden sky.

I honestly believe I was visited by an angel, or messenger of God today.  The events that happened in that doctors office before I went under all line up too well to be coincidence.

First, she went into detail about her ttc journey.  She did not have to ask or even share that information with me.

Second, I was compelled to ask "Who are you?".  Who asks this when you know very well that she is a nurse or assistant.  And I could have asked her name, but I didn't.

Third, her response was "Ang", which is probably short for Angela or Angelina.  Wikipedia says Angela is a female given name. It is derived from the Greek word ángelos (αγγελος), meaning "messenger of God".

More Peeing on a Stick

Last time I corresponded with people in the Blog-o-sphere, I was awaiting the best time to take a home pregnancy test.  I knew when I laid an egg because I chart meticulously and was counting the days past ovulation.  For ttc-ers, the days past ovulation constitute a suspenseful period of time called the two week wait.  All women know either the monthly gift will come or it wont.  Those trying to achieve pregnancy pray it doesn't because that usually signals conception.  However, those closely monitoring their ovulation may be able to find out if they are pregnant as early as 10 days past ovulation (a few days earlier than those just watching for their period) if they use super sensitive early pregnancy tests.  So, starting at 10 days past ovulation I excitedly peed on a stick and was disappointed when I got a negative.  I kept testing every morning for the next few days.  Well, turns out I didn't get pregnant.  So, here hubby and I are starting a new cycle of trying to make a bun.

I'm continuing with charting my fertility signs (bbt, cervical fluid, and cervical position), and I'm also adding an Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK) to help pinpoint when I ovulate.  Some of you may be wondering, what in the world is an "Ovulation Predictor Kit"?  Basically, it is a test - a pee on a stick - designed to sense the surge in a certain reproductive hormone that causes the release of an egg from the ovary.  And when the egg is released well it needs to be fertilized or no baby.  By using the OPK strips we wont just be shooting in the dark (pun intended, nyuck!).

Needless to say, I've spend a lot of time in the bathroom catching, um, my liquids.  I haven't got a positive result yet, but should soon.  Wish me luck.  We're going to need a miracle to make our bun.

Final Days in the Two Week Wait

This is how obsessed I am...  Yesterday I went out and bought 4 Dollar store pee-sticks.  How could I resist when they were only a dollar?  Besides being cheap I have heard they work really well.  My justification for buying so many?  The period has still not arrived, with minimal signs.  I've had some light cramping and some light brown spotting.  I am hoping with all my heart that these are implantation symptoms.

I'm currently on cycle day 31, 10 dpo.

I took one this morning and it came out negatory, will wait until Thursday morning to take another.

A Chick And An Egg

I'm going to say it.  Getting pregnant is not easy.  It's definitely not as easy as tv and movies make it look.  Especially those reality shows like Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant, even middle aged celebrities are having babies, which makes it seem like anyone and everyone can get knocked up after having unprotected sex.  That is usually not the case in real life.  Real life is people having fertility issues or just having difficulty timing intercourse to best conceive.  Whatever the problem, it can be a big mystery.  Some get lucky within a few months, others have to persevere.

Hubby and I are currently trying to conceive our little miracle #1 and it's looking like it's going to take a miracle to get us there.  We've been actively trying for five months now and still no pregnancy.  I've even been doing everything right like timing intercourse, charting my bbt and fertility signs, taking prenatal vitamins, eating well, and cutting out soda and alcohol.

I will admit that every time my period comes, I am let down and become depressed for a short while.  I'm sure this is normal, but hubby makes it seem like it's not.  He takes it more lightly than I do.  Perhaps I just care so much more about conceiving than he does.

Right now I'm on cycle day 30, 9 days past ovulation.  Fertility friend says to wait until Thursday to test, so I'll try to wait that long.  It's going to be torture.